Too Many Inventions

 
 
 
 
 
 
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http://www.archives.gov/exhibits/american_originals_iv/images/thomas_edison/thomas_edison.html

Thomas Edison is spinning in his grave.

The hallmark of mankind is his (or her) ability to shape his environment to suit his needs. Earliest humans began by shaping sticks and stones into tools. Over the millennium we have advanced from the simple technology of a hollowed-out gourd to space travel. Somewhere during this journey we seemed to have gotten off track. We now invent for the sake of invention. It’s not pretty.  I am not talking about gag gifts here. Those silly little things that you get a chuckle out of and then they end up in a drawer. I am talking about people who seriously believe the world is a better place because of their invention.

I am not talking about adaptive aids for disabled folks , like fellow blogger The Hobbler or my dear friend “Jim The One Legged Kludge”. By the way, for those of you who have followed Jim’s saga here, I thought I’d tell you he lost yet another body part a couple of weeks ago. “Lost” may not be the right term, though. It actually exploded across the operating room. The good news is, thanks to a crack janitorial staff, they were able to clean all the Jim Parts off the walls so he wasn’t charged overtime for use of the operating theater. Which just proves there’s always a bright side to every organ explosion. Don’t worry, he’s doing fine and whatever part it was, he said it wasn’t an important one. It always amazes me how many body parts we have that really aren’t necessary. What’s up with that?

Sorry to slide off-topic. Let’s continue…

A new product should fill an actual need.  Imagine the thought process of the great inventors of the past two centuries.

“If only there were a way to communicate with someone far away besides writing a letter or sending a messenger,” thought Samuel Morse. Hence the telegraph. (And later the telephone which was invented by Al Gore)

“If only we could light our homes without burning them down,” thought Thomas Edison as he developed the lightbulb by candlelight.

“If only we could save our houses from burning down from lightning so they could burn down from candles since we don’t have lightbulbs yet,” thought Benjamin Franklin as he erected his lightning rods.

Now imagine the product meetings of today.

“If only there were a way to eat an ice cream cone without having to move your tongue so much.”

“If only there were a way to crack an egg using a device I’ll have to wash and store and put away.”

“If only there were a blanket with holes in it for my arms!”

“If only there were a handy way to freeze dog poop”

“If only there were a blanket that could hold my husbands farts in!”

Simply put, all the useful stuff has been invented and now we got too much shit.

There’s a fairly simple test to see if a product falls into the “Too Much Shit” category. Here are a few in no particular order. I could list hundreds but I try so hard not to get long-winded.

Does it have a label that says “as seen on TV” ? Example: Snuggy. (It's a FRAKKIN' blanket!)

Does it have a label that says “as seen on TV” ? Example: Snuggy. (It's a FRAKKIN' blanket!)

Does it take a simple task and add a battery for no valid reason?

Example: Battery powered razor. The Gillette Fusion® ProGlide™ Power. Yes, it's a plain FRAKIN' shaving razor but with a battery and a microchip in it! I'm not lying here. There's a tiny computer in your a razor! Read the Gillette FAQ and be amazed! One woman from Georgia said it was awesome because her husband had to shave every day! OMG, how horrible. A guy who has to shave EVERY DAY! How did we live before we the Fusion?

Example: Battery powered razor. The Gillette Fusion® ProGlide™ Power. Yes, it's a plain FRAKKIN' shaving razor but with a battery and a microchip in it! I'm not lying here. There's a tiny computer in your a razor! Read the Gillette FAQ and be amazed! One woman from Georgia said it was awesome because her husband had to shave every day! OMG, how horrible. A guy who has to shave EVERY DAY! How did we live before we the Fusion?

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Battery powered litter scoop. Too stupid too shake a scoop?

Battery powered litter scoop. Too stupid to shake a scoop?

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Battery powered ice cream cone. In case you're too lazy to move your tongue.

Battery powered ice cream cone. In case you're too lazy to move your tongue.

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The kitchens of America are the repository for the most idiotic and uselss crap. Hence we have: The mechanized egg cracker. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/olivia-zaleski/top-10-most-useless-items_b_92913.html

The kitchens of America are the repository for the most idiotic and useless crap. Hence we have: The mechanized egg cracker.

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The Pizza Fork: Really? Combine this with the Beer Pager and somebody is gonna lose an eye? http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/world-stupidest-inventions-gallery-1.26294

The Pizza Fork: Really? Combine this with the Beer Pager and somebody is gonna lose an eye?

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The Beer Pager: You're so drunk you can't find your beer? http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/world-stupidest-inventions-gallery-1.26294

The Beer Pager: You're so drunk you can't find your beer? Credit: http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/world-stupidest-inventions-gallery-1.26294

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The cone of silence. Social Spheres. If you're a geek who has trouble picking up women in bars, this is the product for you. http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/scottish-college-student-invents-cone-silence-bar-article-1.449376

The cone of silence. Social Spheres. If you're a geek who has trouble picking up women in bars, this is the product for you. CREDIT:http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/scottish-college-student-invents-cone-silence-bar-article-1.449376

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The Potty Putter: Can't get enough putting practice? Bored on the pot? http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/world-stupidest-inventions-gallery-1.26294

The Potty Putter: Can't get enough putting practice? Bored on the pot? CREDIT:http://www.nydailynews.com/news/money/world-stupidest-inventions-gallery-1.26294

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Cat Stroller: This product is so stupid they had to PhotoShop a cat in because I'm guessing they couldn't actually get a cat into it without serious bodily harm to themselves.

Cat Stroller: This product is so stupid they had to Photoshop a cat in because I'm guessing they couldn't actually get a cat into it without serious bodily harm to themselves. CREDIT:http://www.justpetstrollers.com/catstroller.html

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Dog Stroller: Isn't the whole purpose of walking your dog to WALK the stupid dog!

Dog Stroller: Isn't the whole purpose of walking your dog to WALK the stupid dog! CREDIT:http://www.justpetstrollers.com/kittywalk_pet_stroller_5th_avenue_blue.html

And my nomination for the best worst strangest invention ever in the world and for all time!

USB Dildo- with or without Bluetooth. I'm gonna need some help from the ladies out there on this one. What? Why? How? Bluetooth? Seriously, maybe I'm too old fashioned but I just don't understand... I tried to search for information but got over 5 million hits on the search. Oh we are all going to hell....

USB Dildo- with or without Bluetooth.... I'm gonna need some help from the ladies out there on this one. Maybe from the Crazy Chicks Club? What? Why? How? Bluetooth? Seriously, maybe I'm too old-fashioned but I just don't understand... I tried to search for information to credit the graphics but got over 5 million hits on the search and got sort of lost in the world of interactive sex toys. Feel free to find the source and please don't share. Oh we are all going to hell....

I’d love to hear your nomination for wackiest or stupidest product. Just leave your pick in the comments section.

18 comments on “Too Many Inventions

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      Dawn, I didn’t include the Clapper because it’s awesome! Back to your nap now. And you should seriously consider a blog. Your adventures in nursing, motherhood, etc. would illuminate the world.

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    Sky Mall Magazine products! I hate about half of them and want to buy the other half.
    Also, I love my fusion razor :) I have never nicked my legs using it.

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    Those inventions are way too funny. The worst part of all is that they were able to make enough to pay for advertising. That is crazy; and here we are writing our little hearts out for free.

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    Haha. But you know what I’m interested in knowing now, what were you doing/thinking/looking for when you found the interesting inventions.

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      @sayali, I was actually watching TV early one morning and one of the stupid infomercials came on that started me thinking that “We have invented too much shit!” So of course I thought that would make a decent blog post. I’m not a deep thinker. Thanks for commenting and stopping by!

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      Thanks Harry, I’m torn about the Crazy Chicks Club commenting. Part of me is very anxious to get their input and another part of me is afraid… very afraid. I’m just hoping they’ll explain the Bluetooth part. Thanks for weighing in.

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    This has got to be one of the funniest posts I’ve read and so holiday appropriate. I’m giving Santa my wish list and aside from a “real man” I’d like one of those USB dildos. All I have to do is program it the way “I likes it” and I’m off to Orgasmoville. Gonna have to Tweet and FB this. :)

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      Thanks Lafemme, I hope Santa brings one for you and all the good girls. If you get one tell me what the Bluetooth does. The only Bluetooth device I know goes with a cell phone. Does it make the device talk?? Does it come with Siri?? “Would it have a man’s voice saying, “How YOU doin’?” like Joey Tribiani?

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    Well, you’ve forgotten the USB blow job- although that apparently sold really well, so I’m not sure the population at large could consider it to be frivolous. Supposedly, it came with software, which would be updated so the user could get a fresh batch of “girls” so as not to get too bored with the product.

    http://thenewsextoy.com/…… I didn’t see anything about girls and updated software- this looks like a plug-n-play with porn, so I’m not sure if it’s the same thing or not, but it’s USB and you get the gist…… :lol:

So? What do you think?