I am cradled in the arms of Morpheus, fast asleep, enjoying my favorite dream. I am surrounded by a bevy of scantily clad supermodels. If this is a dream I wonder why they’re scantily clad . There are no rules to a dream so shouldn’t they be completely UN-clad.
Surely it’s acceptable to be frolicking with naked supermodels if it’s a dream. That’s not cheating? Right? Right?
(Maybe I need professional dream interpretation help.) In the midst of my pathetically chaste dream I hear a rumbling and hacking rising from deep within my subconscious. I wonder if one of my still not nude supermodels is about to lose her lunch because she now realizes who her fellow frolicker is. Maybe this is actually her dream and she’ll wake up and tell her friends about the nightmare she had.
So I hear this rumbling, hacking, guttural sound mere inches from my head. I awaken just as one of our sweet and loving cats hurls what appears to be several days of worth of animal by-product and tuna bits onto my pillow. The warm, piquant liquid cascades across my pillow.
My question for you is this: What would a sane, normal, well-adjusted person do in this situation?
I have no idea what one of those people would do. My reaction was to sigh and flip my pillow over so the wet side was down, then fall back to sleep. Satisfied that he has made his point, the cat slips off the bed in search of another victim. It was not until later in the day, after the bed linens had been changed, that it occurred to me that this was not normal. It was abnormal. I am abnormal. What IS abnormal? I checked with dictionary.com who informed me that…
ab·nor·mal [ab-nawr-muhl] 1.} not normal, average, typical, or usual; deviating from a standard: abnormal behavior.
When did I start the slide from normal to ab?
I used to be normal, then I met my wife. She had two cats. A lot of people have a couple of cats. It’s normal. But I grew up on a farm and I come from simple folk. Our simple folk have a simple rule on the farm. The animals live outside and the people live inside of the “house.” The animals have places to live of their own. My people called these special animal habitats – “the barn.”
Fast forward and I am living with future wife in her “house.” There are two animals living in her house and I explain to her my family’s simple farm rules that have been passed down through the generations. She gives me the “look.” Oh, I hate the “look.” She calmly explains that: (A) This is not a farm. (B) She owns the house. (C) These are not animals, they are her cats who are members of the household and finally (D) They were here first. I told her that I completely understood her views but that she would have to make a decision. It was either me or the cats.
So… she helped me pack.
Fast forward twenty really looong years and I’m sleeping on a pillow that is really wet on the bottom. I’m resting to the same delightful love who helped me move out those many long years ago. (I moved back)
We no longer have two cats though. I made myself clear that I wasn’t living in a house with TWO CATS. After all I am a man. The man of the house. Whose word is law! We now have maybe 5 or 7 cats living in the house. I don’t know really. I don’t count them. That’s just depressing. But by god we don’t have TWO CATS! I know that for sure! I told her I did!
This post is getting long and I know you’re getting bored… but one last endearing anecdote. One cat we brought in was a small scared feral kitten who had some sad ass story or another. Anyway I was trying to calm the tiny angel when it sunk it’s angelic little teeth into my hand all the way to the bone. I carefully pried it’s sweet carnivorous jaws off of my wrist as I didn’t want any of the arterial spray from my hand to get into its precious fur. My wife came up to me, assessed the situation and said lovingly, “You’re getting blood all over the floor.”
You wonder why I’m abnormal??
It’s time for you to share now? Do you have a “it’s me or the dog story?” Have you dated a crazy cat lady” Are YOU a crazy cat lady who’s pissed at me for using the term crazy cat lady? Leave your thoughts in the comments section and help me please not feel so all alone….